Death....and the night

This is not your happy go lucky post...this is real...my thoughts and emotions...you have been warned...

I had to write...had to write so that I may be able to go to sleep without the thoughts floating in my head. They say that you should keep a journal beside your bed so that if you think about something you can write it down instead of lying awake all night thinking about it....this is my journal.



Saturday, April 25, at the age of 81, my granddad passed away. I cannot even begin to grasp my life without him in it...to even write it seems so final.

He was my constant cheerleader. He was the hopeful optimsitic, always seeing the positive in people. He was the best grandfather that anyone could ask for. He was what unconditional love is...He will be deeply missed.
The nights now though have become somewhat of any enemy. Last night after finding out, I was able to fall asleep somewhat peacefully. I was in shock...tonight though, I close my eyes and the thoughts and memories invade. I hate it...and wonder how many nights I will lie awake like this...tired, but consumed by memories. He was so tired, so weak and so ready to "go home" in his words. Selfishly I wanted him here....even when he was sick I could still touch his hand or kiss his cheek. I keep thinking about all the things that he was a part of that will be missing somthing from now on...holdiays, birthdays...I'll miss his phone calls and his constant worrying about us and the boys. I will miss him saving little goodies and snacks for the boys and him being so proud to show them off to the people that he lived with. He would announce proudly that they were his great grandchildren...he loved them so. He was a wonderful man....I love you granddad and miss you more than words can express.

Happy Birthday Blakers!

I can't believe that my baby is 5 today. These past years have gone by in one big blur...amazing five years.

I know that one day I will pass this blog on to the boys when they are old enough to appreciate it. So, I would love to be able to tell Blake that in his five years he has blessed our lives tremendously. I have never met a little boy that has more compassion and love in his little heart for others. You are always trying to make someone elses day and are ready with a compliment. (You love to tell the teachers at school how beautiful they are) You are such an independent little boy and are stubborn as all get out. When you want something you make sure that we know. I can already see that you will be a loyal and true friend and brother. I love this about you. You love to be with Alex and love to have his approval. He is your big brother and the love that you have for him and that he has for you is amazing.

I pray that you will always have your sweet spirit and that it never gets broken. I pray that you will continue to love others and that you will bless everyones lives that you come in contact with. I am honored and blessed to be your mommy Blake, I hope that you know that. Love ya always....I love ya more than all the moon and stars in the sky! :)

Easter Party at School

Pics from Blake's Egg Hunt at school.


Getting ready to take off!


Finding his eggs

A post with no pictures...boring!

As I have mentioned before this blog will serve as a memory reminder for Alex and Blake when they get older as to what we did when they were growing up. I saw a cool thing today where you can actually take your blog and they put it into a book with pics and all and bind it. This would be so neat. I dont scrapbook so this is it....

So much has happened in the past couple weeks and I have no pictures to post today but some will come later. So I recently turned 30, or as I am choosing to call it had the first anniversary of forever 29. Why is it so hard to accept not being in your 20's anymore anyway? I hear women all day saying that they were happy to be turning 30 or even 40...I think they may be in denial...just a hard pill to swallow, but I am thankful to be 30 and have a great hubby and 2 wonderful healthy kids...guess I can't complain.

The other big news is that Blake is in leg casts...yes both legs have a cast up to his knees. Many of you already know that for the past 2 1/2 years Blake has been in and out of P.T. and Orthopedic Surgeon appts for idiopathic toe walking. All this means is that he walks on his tip toes and they don't know why. He has tight heel cords, but no one knows whether they are tight because he walks that way or he walks that way because they are tight. Either way...it was cute when he was little, but he doesn't seem to be outgrowing it and P.T doesn't seem to be helping so he is now doing serial casting. This is where they bend his foot back and then cast it in that position to keep the foot stretched and to stretch his heel cords. The next week they remove that cast, bend the foot a little farther and then recast. This is our 3rd week and next week will be his final cast that he will wear for 2 weeks. He has done wonderfully and we have seen so great improvements. The first week he got a blue and red cast, which he kept and are on display in his room. :) Second week he got a green and yellow one and this week they are both glow in the dark. I am hoping this doesn't cause a problem at school when he invites everyone into the bathroom and turns off the lights so he can show them his casts! Everyone in his class now wants casts, but for Blake the novelty has worn off. The first week he thought they were cool...last week they were o.k....and this week...well he didn't want to go back at all. It's hard for him to see Alex doing so many things that he can't for awhile like running, jumping on the trampoline and others. He will spend Easter and his 5th birthday in casts which sucks even more, but the alternative, which is surgery, is a lot worse that this small hurdle.

And last but not least Granddad is out of the hospital and is doing ok. He is at the Havens and seems to be tolerating it ok. This will be his new home. It is an assisted living facility for people with Alzheimers. They know him there and take good care of him when we aren't there. He is on the road to recovery and will be surrounded by his family and that's whats important.

Pics to come a little later of Blakers in his casts...

Half of Sping Break 2009

So it's Spring Break this week and I have loved doing less and relaxing with the boys. It's nice not to have an obligation to fill or anywhere to be at a certain time and now that Mom is here with us ai even get to sleep in!! If the boys had their way we would spend this week inside playing the Wii or the DS. Yes we have hit the age of electronics. Everything is boring and they would rather be inside glued to the tv playing some sort of video game.

We have managed to drag them away from the games for some much needed outside and outdoor air time. We went out to Six Flags and rode some of the new rides that they opened up in their new kiddie area. The boys had a picnic outside in their fort one night for dinner and today mom and I took them on a 2.5 mile hike. Now we didn't realize that the hike was going to be quite so long and I would recommed actually looking at the parks hiking trail maps before you set off for your "leisurely" hike, but the boys had fun and they even asked for a nap after coming back from all the fresh air and walking. It was nice to get out with them and exercise and listen to them talking and singing "We're going on a bear hunt" song together. Memories were made and thats all that matters.

Hiking at the Park



Picnic in the fort


Six Flags Fun

A Time For Prayer

Praying everyday for this man...my granddad who fell and broke his hip last Wednesday!

I pray that we get him back mentally and that he knows who we all are after all of this has ended. He is a wonderful man with a generous, loving and caring heart and I just want him to be whole again.

Lovey Dovey Time

This was probably one of the best Valentines ever. Since the kids have been born and able to color, draw and write by themselves I have been telling Alan every holiday that comes around to NOT buy me a thing. To those that know me well enough, you know that I LOVE anything that has been done by my kids. I get so sappy over handmade things that its pathetic! Every holiday I have said to have them make me a card, or have them draw me a picture...but every year...nothing. So yesterday he shows up at work and brings me lunch and balloons and a card. So sweet of him to do something like this for me. Then I relaxed all night long and I thought that this was what I was getting. Then this morning I was greeted by the cutest 4 and 6 year olds you have ever met with a card. And not just any card...a HANDMADE card people. Made by known other then them! My eyes teared up and I was one happy mommy! Thanks for helping doing this honey! You are the best...thanks for making it a special one!

Blake's side:I love mommy because shes beautiful
Alex's side:I love mommy because she loves me