Death....and the night

This is not your happy go lucky post...this is real...my thoughts and emotions...you have been warned...

I had to write...had to write so that I may be able to go to sleep without the thoughts floating in my head. They say that you should keep a journal beside your bed so that if you think about something you can write it down instead of lying awake all night thinking about it....this is my journal.



Saturday, April 25, at the age of 81, my granddad passed away. I cannot even begin to grasp my life without him in it...to even write it seems so final.

He was my constant cheerleader. He was the hopeful optimsitic, always seeing the positive in people. He was the best grandfather that anyone could ask for. He was what unconditional love is...He will be deeply missed.
The nights now though have become somewhat of any enemy. Last night after finding out, I was able to fall asleep somewhat peacefully. I was in shock...tonight though, I close my eyes and the thoughts and memories invade. I hate it...and wonder how many nights I will lie awake like this...tired, but consumed by memories. He was so tired, so weak and so ready to "go home" in his words. Selfishly I wanted him here....even when he was sick I could still touch his hand or kiss his cheek. I keep thinking about all the things that he was a part of that will be missing somthing from now on...holdiays, birthdays...I'll miss his phone calls and his constant worrying about us and the boys. I will miss him saving little goodies and snacks for the boys and him being so proud to show them off to the people that he lived with. He would announce proudly that they were his great grandchildren...he loved them so. He was a wonderful man....I love you granddad and miss you more than words can express.

Happy Birthday Blakers!

I can't believe that my baby is 5 today. These past years have gone by in one big blur...amazing five years.

I know that one day I will pass this blog on to the boys when they are old enough to appreciate it. So, I would love to be able to tell Blake that in his five years he has blessed our lives tremendously. I have never met a little boy that has more compassion and love in his little heart for others. You are always trying to make someone elses day and are ready with a compliment. (You love to tell the teachers at school how beautiful they are) You are such an independent little boy and are stubborn as all get out. When you want something you make sure that we know. I can already see that you will be a loyal and true friend and brother. I love this about you. You love to be with Alex and love to have his approval. He is your big brother and the love that you have for him and that he has for you is amazing.

I pray that you will always have your sweet spirit and that it never gets broken. I pray that you will continue to love others and that you will bless everyones lives that you come in contact with. I am honored and blessed to be your mommy Blake, I hope that you know that. Love ya always....I love ya more than all the moon and stars in the sky! :)

Easter Party at School

Pics from Blake's Egg Hunt at school.


Getting ready to take off!


Finding his eggs