Death....and the night

This is not your happy go lucky post...this is real...my thoughts and emotions...you have been warned...

I had to write...had to write so that I may be able to go to sleep without the thoughts floating in my head. They say that you should keep a journal beside your bed so that if you think about something you can write it down instead of lying awake all night thinking about it....this is my journal.



Saturday, April 25, at the age of 81, my granddad passed away. I cannot even begin to grasp my life without him in it...to even write it seems so final.

He was my constant cheerleader. He was the hopeful optimsitic, always seeing the positive in people. He was the best grandfather that anyone could ask for. He was what unconditional love is...He will be deeply missed.
The nights now though have become somewhat of any enemy. Last night after finding out, I was able to fall asleep somewhat peacefully. I was in shock...tonight though, I close my eyes and the thoughts and memories invade. I hate it...and wonder how many nights I will lie awake like this...tired, but consumed by memories. He was so tired, so weak and so ready to "go home" in his words. Selfishly I wanted him here....even when he was sick I could still touch his hand or kiss his cheek. I keep thinking about all the things that he was a part of that will be missing somthing from now on...holdiays, birthdays...I'll miss his phone calls and his constant worrying about us and the boys. I will miss him saving little goodies and snacks for the boys and him being so proud to show them off to the people that he lived with. He would announce proudly that they were his great grandchildren...he loved them so. He was a wonderful man....I love you granddad and miss you more than words can express.